The cows, who have been doing it for years, decline to attend
LINCOLN, NEBRASKA – Washington has announced an ambitious plan to manufacture more agricultural fertilizer inside the United States, prompting farmers across the Midwest to observe that America has possessed dirt, natural gas, factories and approximately 9 million dairy cows for quite some time.
The USDA’s FIELDS initiative selected eight projects representing more than $1.34 billion in proposed investment. The goal is to strengthen domestic production of nutrients essential to growing food.
This revolutionary discovery has been welcomed by farmers who previously assumed fertilizer manufacturing was a secret overseas activity performed by mysterious people who never sent reasonably priced invoices.
American Manufacturing Returns to the Barnyard
Among the selected projects are proposed facilities in Kansas and Indiana designed to convert dairy manure into liquid ammonium nitrate fertilizer. The facilities are expected to produce approximately 4,100 tons annually.
Agricultural scientists understand that livestock waste contains nutrients and can be processed into useful agricultural products. Washington, however, has reportedly established a special committee to determine whether a substance produced by cows might have economic value.
“The implications are enormous,” declared Professor Vernon Compost, director of the Center for Advanced Discoveries Everybody Else Already Made.
“For centuries, cows have produced manure without submitting a manufacturing forecast. We now realize they were participating in the chemical industry.”
Compost recommends that dairy cattle receive honorary engineering degrees. Farmers recommend that he clean the barn.
A New Career Opportunity for Dairy Cows
One Wisconsin dairy operation has supposedly introduced employee performance reviews for its livestock. Milk production remains important. But manure output now contributes to each cow’s quarterly economic evaluation.
High-performing animals receive complimentary hay. Underperformers are invited to attend motivational seminars.
The herd’s leading producer, a Holstein named Deborah, reportedly requested profit-sharing benefits and flexible milking hours. Management rejected her demands after discovering she had already eaten the employee handbook.
Modular Ammonia Plants and the American Air Supply
Other FIELDS projects include modular ammonia manufacturing units planned across seven states. The technology is intended to use domestic energy, air and water to produce fertilizer closer to agricultural markets.
Air and water are conveniently available within the United States. Energy availability and costs are more complicated. Nevertheless, the strategy represents a serious attempt to reduce dependence on concentrated suppliers and vulnerable international supply chains.
A congressional hearing immediately raised concerns.
“Are we absolutely certain American air is suitable for fertilizer?”
Scientists confirmed its nitrogen content.
“Has it been tested against foreign air?”
Scientists explained that atmospheric nitrogen is not especially interested in nationality.
One senator proposed labeling American-made ammonia “Patriot Nitrogen.” Another requested tariffs on imported wind.
Farmers Still Have One Important Question
The USDA estimates that additional domestic production could eventually lower nitrogen fertilizer prices by 4.4% and potash prices by 5.3%. Those are projections, not price cuts already delivered. Factories must first be built, equipped and operated.
Farmers understand the distinction. They routinely plant seeds months before receiving the crop. But they would appreciate manufacturing investments that eventually bring genuine competition rather than another expensive layer of administrative enthusiasm.
A survey found that 96% of farmers supported cheaper domestic fertilizer. The remaining 4% were fertilizer sales representatives currently reviewing their career options.
The Great American Agricultural Discovery
For generations, farmers have relied on practical knowledge: nutrients matter, soil fertility matters and every extra dollar spent on inputs reduces potential profit. The new manufacturing investments could strengthen American agriculture if they deliver additional supply at competitive prices.
But the greatest discovery may be philosophical. America possesses resources that can be processed into products Americans need.
Farmers knew this. Manufacturers knew this. The cows knew this. Washington has finally scheduled a press conference to announce it.
The cows declined to attend. They were already working.
The Evidence File
Statistical Absurdity
The two manure plants are expected to produce about 4,100 tons of fertilizer a year. Spread across 9 million dairy cows, that is slightly less than a pound per cow, per year. The cows have been quietly out-producing the entire program since Tuesday.
Historical Irony
Humans have been spreading manure on fields since the first farmer noticed the corn was greener by the barn. The government’s contribution is a $1.34 billion rediscovery of this observation, with a ribbon-cutting. The cow’s contribution was free and arrived on schedule. Details on the program are in Farmers Hotline’s coverage of the FIELDS launch.
Analogies
Announcing domestic fertilizer production is like a restaurant discovering the kitchen. It was always there. The meal was always possible. The only new item is the menu and the price, and the price, as of this writing, remains “ask your server, then sit down.”
Sources and Further Reading
See Fertilizer Daily, Agri-Pulse and ATTRA’s overview of domestic fertilizer investment. For manure-nutrient science, see USDA NRCS.
Source: USDA FIELDS project descriptions and October 23 industry reporting, including the proposed dairy-manure conversion facilities and ammonia manufacturing capacity.
Humorous Observations
- A government committee to determine whether cow manure has economic value. I could’ve told them that for free, and I only grew up near a farm.
- Deborah the Holstein ate the employee handbook. At last, a worker who read it and responded accordingly.
- Tariffs on imported wind. I’ve been waiting for that bill since the last time I tried to burn leaves on a Saturday.
- Four percent were fertilizer sales reps reviewing their career options. Tell ’em the cows are hiring. Benefits are lousy but the manager is very supportive.
- Washington announced something the cows have been doing for centuries, and the cows didn’t even show up. That’s not rudeness. That’s seniority.
Last Updated on May 28, 2021 by Alan Nafzger