WICHITA FALLS, TEXAS — The USDA has mailed out Farm Service Agency county committee election ballots, giving farmers the democratic privilege of choosing which respected neighbor will have to explain federal program decisions while standing in line behind them at the feed store.
FSA County Committee Election Gives Farmers the Ballot and the Headache
According to the USDA’s November 9 election announcement, eligible producers should return ballots by December 7. More than 7,700 agricultural community members serve on these committees nationwide. They play a role in local delivery of farm programs, which means somebody living near the producers gets to learn precisely how complicated “local control” can become after Washington writes the instructions.
“I voted for my neighbor Vernon because he knows farms,” said fictional Wichita County grower Jeb Pritchard. “Then I realized Vernon will be the man explaining a 400-page program manual to me. I don’t want to lose a neighbor over a paragraph nobody can understand.”
Campaign Promises Include Returning Calls and Understanding Fence Lines
At an imaginary candidate forum, contenders were asked to explain conservation assistance in plain English. The first described acreage eligibility, the second mentioned application windows, and the third pledged to answer his telephone before the farmer sold the equipment he was trying to finance.
Vernon’s wife, Martha, refused to let him run until he agreed that every federal program explanation must fit on one side of a feed sack. “I married a farmer,” she said. “I will not spend our retirement listening to him announce that our own hay meadow needs an additional document.”
An imaginary campaign consultant recommended polling the herd. The cows preferred the candidate who promised rain. The goats voted for whoever left the paperwork on a low shelf. The farm dog endorsed the person with the sandwich.
Unscientific Farm Poll Finds Most Voters Know All Candidates
Farm.FM questioned nine producers in a co-op parking lot. Eight said they personally knew at least one committee candidate. Seven had borrowed tools from that candidate. Five remained uncertain whether the tools had ever been returned. This survey carries a 100% chance of an awkward conversation at church.
Actual committee elections matter: members provide grassroots input on program administration, including elements of disaster recovery, conservation and commodity support. Eligibility still depends on specific program laws and regulations, not simply whether your cousin wins a seat.
Farmers Ask Washington to Include an Instructions Manual for Democracy
Clyde “Straight Row” Mercer praised the voting process and requested one reform. “A good committee member knows the dirt, not just the form,” he said. “But you can’t elect a neighbor and expect him to repeal the federal alphabet.”
Ballots are due December 7. Farmers are encouraged to vote before the ballots vanish under equipment invoices, school calendars and the unpaid seed bill they’ve been using as a bookmark.
Satire note: Candidate interviews, herd votes and the parking-lot poll are invented. USDA election dates and committee duties are real. This story is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer.