STEPHENVILLE, Texas — Retired Army sergeant Cal Mercer was promoted to colonel of the milk parlor after marrying dairy farmer Nina Bell, who discovered that the position could be filled without offering a raise. His duties include maintaining order, reporting irregularities and checking whether the irregularity is a cow that always does that.
“I was told the title came with command,” Mercer said. “It turns out command comes with a washdown hose and a note from Nina saying which drain backs up if you start on the wrong end.”
Bell introduced him to the herd by his first name. Mercer said a man had a right to be called by his rank. Bell agreed and said she preferred “you,” especially when she was holding something heavy. He admitted he had responded to it faster than any radio call in his former line of work.
The milk parlor has its own chain of command
Mercer typed out a briefing explaining how the herd should present itself. He stood beside a whiteboard with four cows in front of him. At the edge of the room Bell began the usual routine. By the time Mercer reached the line about onward movement, every cow had acted on intelligence available from the feed area.
University of Wisconsin Extension’s guidance on predictability and calm handling explains the role of a familiar environment and steady handling in milk letdown. A predictable sequence gives cows fewer surprises. Mercer said it had done him some good too, once he understood the order in which he could expect to be corrected.
Bell assigned him one job at a time. He learned where tools belonged, when to ask for help and which chores took longer after he improved them. She finally let him rewrite the shutdown checklist after he agreed to consult the person who had been shutting things down for seventeen years.
Writing orders a person can follow before daylight
A useful farm checklist identifies tasks in order, gives exceptions a plain description and says who to call. Post it where the job happens. Review it with the people who actually work that shift. Mercer called that doctrine. Bell called it the sheet taped to the cabinet, and gave him a dry marker because the cabinet got wet.
After a month the colonel presented his first monthly readiness report. All equipment was accounted for apart from two pens, his reading glasses and the good flashlight. The Army veteran told Bell he suspected enemy activity. She asked him to check the breast pocket of the coveralls he was wearing.
It contained all four items and a note from last Tuesday reminding him to check his pockets.
Disclaimer: The promotion and its proud recipient are Farm.FM satire. The milking guidance is real. The hose outranks anyone who leaves it in the alley.
Last Updated on November 15, 2026 by Alan Nafzger