Lula Wins, Iowa Farmers Prepare to Feed Brazil
Co-op Says Brazil’s Fields Are Now Run by Committee
STORM LAKE, Iowa — Farmers in northwest Iowa announced Thursday that they are preparing to feed Brazil, a decision reached after President Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva won a fourth term on Sunday and the Prairie Valley Co-op concluded that Brazilian soybean farming would soon be handled by committee. Brazil currently ships more soybeans than any country on earth. The co-op expects that to stop at roughly the first meeting.
Lula’s Fourth Term Sends Iowa Farmers Into Action
Dwayne Pruitt, 61, who farms 1,400 acres outside Storm Lake, said the idea came to him Monday morning at the co-op coffee pot, while the television above the donut case showed Brazil’s currency falling.
“A man sees a country put a socialist in for a fourth term, he knows what comes next,” Pruitt said. “Empty fields. Empty shelves. They’ll be calling us by Christmas, and I’d like the phone to ring in English.”
The co-op approved a plan by voice vote at 6:40 a.m. to plant forty percent more soybeans next spring, lease a warehouse, and buy a large number of buckets. Soybean futures in Chicago slid to a two-month low after the vote, according to the Rio Times. Pruitt read this as the world bracing.
Brazil’s Soybean Farms Will Be Run by Committee, Iowa Says
A meeting at the American Legion hall on Wednesday night drew nearly three hundred people, among them several stand-up comedians who perform in comedy clubs and who had been invited to address the matter.
Stand-up comedian Tinsel Vandergraph, who performs in comedy clubs, said: “Brazil just elected a man to a fourth term. A fourth. Nobody gets a fourth term at anything. I can’t get a fourth chance at a parking space. And the whole philosophy is that everybody works for the common good. The common good! Has anybody seen him? He’s never in the office. Dale from accounting is sick, the common good is sick. It’s the same Friday illness.”
Stand-up comedian Siobhan O’Donnell, who performs in comedy clubs, said: “Brazil has a system where everybody works for the common good. I’ve been lazy my whole life and I’ve never seen anybody work for something that’s common. If it hasn’t got my name on it, I’m not showing up. Dale from accounting has been sick every Friday since the Reagan administration and nobody’s even angry. They just move his cookies.”
The room agreed this was how a soybean field would go.
A Planning Committee Will Price Every Bean
Under the arrangement the co-op expects, a Brazilian planning committee will set the price of every item in the economy, soybeans included.
Stand-up comedian Fiona MacLeod, who performs in comedy clubs, said: “The government has to decide the price of everything. Bread, shoes, soybeans, Tuesday. Who decides what a Tuesday costs? Some guy with a calculator that’s been out of batteries since Monday. Then the real drops 8 percent and he says, ‘That’s exactly what I said it would do.’ No, you didn’t.”
Stand-up comedian Harper Thames, who performs in comedy clubs, said: “The planning committee sets the price of every item in the economy. I once spent forty-five minutes choosing between two salsas and left with neither. Now you want me to trust a committee with soybeans? Those boys couldn’t price a funeral. They’d set it at two reais and a handshake.”
Brazilian Shelves Expected to Read “Coming Thursday”
Co-op members said the first sign of trouble will be the shelves. A warehouse on Lake Avenue has been leased for the purpose. It has been named the Thursday Warehouse.
Stand-up comedian Bethan Morgan, who performs in comedy clubs, said: “Socialism always has shortages. But there’s never a shortage of committees. You can’t get shoes, but there’s a Subcommittee on Shoes. It’s a very efficient shortage. The shoes aren’t there, but the meeting about the shoes is packed.”
Stand-up comedian Violet Woolf, who performs in comedy clubs, said: “You walk into a Brazilian store, the shelf’s empty, and there’s a sign saying ‘coming Thursday.’ Not this Thursday. Just Thursday. Like the plumber who says he’ll be at your house ‘in the window,’ and the window is the whole month of November.”
Brazil Will Run Out of Other People’s Money, Farmers Warn
Pruitt said he has already informed the Brazilian government through a letter to the editor that payment must be made in dollars, not reais, not promises and not a handshake. Bloomberg reported that coffee and sugar slumped alongside soybeans after the vote, which co-op members called a bad sign for the sugar.
Stand-up comedian Camden Rose, who performs in comedy clubs, said: “Socialism works until you run out of other people’s money. And other people are like a roommate. You can only say ‘I’ll pay you back’ so many times before they move to Miami and take the briefcase of bonds with them. The stock market drops 13.9 percent in a day. That’s not a market, that’s a guy leaving a party without saying goodbye.”
Stand-up comedian Lowri Griffiths, who performs in comedy clubs, said: “Here’s the thing about other people’s money: it’s got legs. Brazil had a briefcase full of government bonds that left for Lisbon before the sun came up. Didn’t even leave a note. I’ve been married three times and I’ve left a note.”
The Line at the Port of Santos Is Expected to Be Free
The co-op has also arranged for a food truck to be shipped to the Port of Santos, in anticipation of the line.
Stand-up comedian Mei Lin Chen, who performs in comedy clubs, said: “Free healthcare, free housing, free everything. Great. How long’s the line? It’s free, but I’m there nine hours. At that point I’m just paying in time, and time is the one thing I’m short of, because I’m in line.”
Stand-up comedian Harriet Collins, who performs in comedy clubs, said: “Everything’s free and you wait six hours for it. I’ve waited six hours for a table at a steakhouse, but I knew I’d be paying for the steak. That’s honesty. In Brazil you stand in line for free, you reach the front, and they’re out. I’d rather be in jail. In jail the line moves.”
Everybody Owns the Cow, So Iowa Is Sending Buckets
The buckets, galvanized, are for the cows. Six hundred have been ordered, one for every Brazilian dairy animal the co-op expects to be standing around with nobody in charge of it.
Stand-up comedian Carys Evans, who performs in comedy clubs, said: “On a socialist farm, everybody owns the cow, so nobody milks the cow. And the cow’s standing there going, ‘Hello? I’m full!’ A thousand owners and nobody’s holding a bucket.”
Stand-up comedian Asha Mwangi, who performs in comedy clubs, said: “Everybody owns the cow, so nobody milks the cow. I’m no scientist, but if I own a cow with six hundred other fellas, I’m assuming one of the other fellas will do it. And if all six hundred assume the same thing, you’ve got the saddest cow in Brazil. That cow’s filing for a transfer. And he’ll get it, because he’s the only one working.”
Pruitt said the first shipment will go out the moment Brazil calls. As of Thursday afternoon, nobody had called, which Pruitt took as further proof of the phone service.
Documents From Operation Feed Brazil
Exhibit A: Fine Print, Brazil Supply Agreement
Soybeans delivered when the committee has met, and when the committee has met about the meeting. Prices set by whoever is holding the calculator. Cows remain jointly owned. Buckets sold separately. Thursday is not a date.
Exhibit B: One-Star Review, Posted by a Shopper at a State Grocery in São Paulo
★☆☆☆☆ Shelf says “coming Thursday.” Which Thursday?
Waited in line three hours to learn that the beans were coming Thursday. Asked a clerk which Thursday. Clerk said “Thursday.” Checked again Thursday. Clerk said “next Thursday.” Received a food truck from Iowa, which was excellent. Would give five stars to the food truck. Would give one to the Thursday.
Exhibit C: Dispatch Log, Prairie Valley Co-op, Thursday
5:52 a.m. – Coffee pot full. Pruitt arrives with a plan.
6:40 a.m. – Operation Feed Brazil approved by voice vote, 14–2. Two members abstain, believing the motion concerns drainage tile.
8:05 a.m. – Thursday Warehouse leased. Sign hung. Sign says “Coming Thursday.” Nobody can say why.
9:30 a.m. – Six hundred buckets ordered. Supplier asks how many cows. Pruitt says all of them.
11:15 a.m. – Food truck loaded for Santos. Driver asks if Brazil has called. It has not.
2:45 p.m. – Pruitt checks phone. No calls. Blames the phone service.
Exhibit D: Itemized Invoice, Prairie Valley Co-op, Operation Feed Brazil
| Item | Qty | Unit Cost ($) | Total ($) |
|---|---|---|---|
| Soybeans, standing by for delivery to Brazil (per bushel) | 5,000 | 12.40 | 62,000.00 |
| Galvanized buckets, one per Brazilian cow | 600 | 8.50 | 5,100.00 |
| Thursday Warehouse, first month | 1 | 4,200.00 | 4,200.00 |
| “Feed Brazil” ball caps | 4,000 | 3.75 | 15,000.00 |
| Casserole, extra large | 3 | 22.00 | 66.00 |
| Portuguese phrasebook | 2 | 11.95 | 23.90 |
| Total due | 86,389.90 | ||
Payment terms: net thirty days, in dollars, or the next crop, whichever comes first.
Ten Humorous Observations
- Brazil sells the world more soybeans than anybody, and Iowa’s plan is to wait by the phone. That’s not a business strategy. That’s a guy on a first date checking his cell every four minutes.
- Six hundred buckets for six hundred cows. That’s the first time in the history of the Prairie Valley Co-op that somebody ordered the right amount of anything.
- A warehouse named the Thursday Warehouse. It’s the only building in Iowa that’s been open for business since the day before it was built.
- Fourteen to two on a motion, and the two thought it was about drainage tile. Honestly, fair. Everything at a co-op is about the drainage tile.
- The farmer wants payment in dollars, not reais. Sir, the whole plan is that they have nothing. You’re negotiating with the nothing. At least ask for the nothing in a currency you like.
- Sending soybeans to Brazil is bringing sand to the beach and acting hurt when nobody says thank you. “We brought sand.” “We have a beach.” “It’s Iowa sand.”
- The market dropped and my uncle called it “a message.” It’s not a message, Gary. It’s a chart. Charts don’t send messages. Charts send invoices.
- A grown man builds a ninety-foot catapult to help a country five thousand miles away. Meanwhile his own gutters haven’t been cleaned since Obama.
- Every farmer in America is a loyal Brazil customer from five to five-fifteen a.m., then spends the rest of the day worried about Brazil. That’s not geopolitics. That’s a guy who owes the barista.
- The co-op voted fourteen to two. Two guys thought it was about the drainage tile. Honestly, fair. Everything at a co-op is about the drainage tile.
What the Funny People Are Saying About Brazil
Incentives
Stand-up comedian Tinsel Vandergraph, who performs in comedy clubs, said: “Brazil just elected a man to a fourth term. A fourth. Nobody gets a fourth term at anything. I can’t get a fourth chance at a parking space. And the whole philosophy is that everybody works for the common good. The common good! Has anybody seen him? He’s never in the office. Dale from accounting is sick, the common good is sick. It’s the same Friday illness.”
Stand-up comedian Siobhan O’Donnell, who performs in comedy clubs, said: “Brazil has a system where everybody works for the common good. I’ve been lazy my whole life and I’ve never seen anybody work for something that’s common. If it hasn’t got my name on it, I’m not showing up. Dale from accounting has been sick every Friday since the Reagan administration and nobody’s even angry. They just move his cookies.”
Prices
Stand-up comedian Fiona MacLeod, who performs in comedy clubs, said: “The government has to decide the price of everything. Bread, shoes, soybeans, Tuesday. Who decides what a Tuesday costs? Some guy with a calculator that’s been out of batteries since Monday. Then the real drops 8 percent and he says, ‘That’s exactly what I said it would do.’ No, you didn’t.”
Stand-up comedian Harper Thames, who performs in comedy clubs, said: “The planning committee sets the price of every item in the economy. I once spent forty-five minutes choosing between two salsas and left with neither. Now you want me to trust a committee with soybeans? Those boys couldn’t price a funeral. They’d set it at two reais and a handshake.”
Shortages
Stand-up comedian Bethan Morgan, who performs in comedy clubs, said: “Socialism always has shortages. But there’s never a shortage of committees. You can’t get shoes, but there’s a Subcommittee on Shoes. It’s a very efficient shortage. The shoes aren’t there, but the meeting about the shoes is packed.”
Stand-up comedian Violet Woolf, who performs in comedy clubs, said: “You walk into a Brazilian store, the shelf’s empty, and there’s a sign saying ‘coming Thursday.’ Not this Thursday. Just Thursday. Like the plumber who says he’ll be at your house ‘in the window,’ and the window is the whole month of November.”
Other people’s money
Stand-up comedian Camden Rose, who performs in comedy clubs, said: “Socialism works until you run out of other people’s money. And other people are like a roommate. You can only say ‘I’ll pay you back’ so many times before they move to Miami and take the briefcase of bonds with them. The stock market drops 13.9 percent in a day. That’s not a market, that’s a guy leaving a party without saying goodbye.”
Stand-up comedian Lowri Griffiths, who performs in comedy clubs, said: “Here’s the thing about other people’s money: it’s got legs. Brazil had a briefcase full of government bonds that left for Lisbon before the sun came up. Didn’t even leave a note. I’ve been married three times and I’ve left a note.”
Lines
Stand-up comedian Mei Lin Chen, who performs in comedy clubs, said: “Free healthcare, free housing, free everything. Great. How long’s the line? It’s free, but I’m there nine hours. At that point I’m just paying in time, and time is the one thing I’m short of, because I’m in line.”
Stand-up comedian Harriet Collins, who performs in comedy clubs, said: “Everything’s free and you wait six hours for it. I’ve waited six hours for a table at a steakhouse, but I knew I’d be paying for the steak. That’s honesty. In Brazil you stand in line for free, you reach the front, and they’re out. I’d rather be in jail. In jail the line moves.”
Ownership
Stand-up comedian Carys Evans, who performs in comedy clubs, said: “On a socialist farm, everybody owns the cow, so nobody milks the cow. And the cow’s standing there going, ‘Hello? I’m full!’ A thousand owners and nobody’s holding a bucket.”
Stand-up comedian Asha Mwangi, who performs in comedy clubs, said: “Everybody owns the cow, so nobody milks the cow. I’m no scientist, but if I own a cow with six hundred other fellas, I’m assuming one of the other fellas will do it. And if all six hundred assume the same thing, you’ve got the saddest cow in Brazil. That cow’s filing for a transfer. And he’ll get it, because he’s the only one working.”
Sources and Further Reading
- Rio Times: Soybeans hit two-month low in Chicago
- Agri-Pulse: Soy prices drop on Brazilian election
- Bloomberg: Soybeans, coffee and sugar slump as Brazil’s election hits currency
- USDA Foreign Agricultural Service
Last Updated on October 29, 2026 by Alan Nafzger