HUTCHINSON, Kan. — Barn cats at the Keller grain farm have petitioned for a union after the county unofficially described them as essential workers. Their first demands include a warm place to sleep, a second warm place to sleep in the event the first one becomes warm in a slightly different way, and protection against being judged by the number of mice anybody can actually account for.
Farmer Dale Keller said he had already provided all three. The cats’ representative, a tabby called Socket, sat on the proposal until Keller agreed there had never been a binding contract. Socket then rolled over, which the mediator described as a substantial movement by one side.
Barn cats publish their job description
The draft describes the barn cat as responsible for visible supervision of feed rooms, paid observation of birds through glass, and light mouse-related activity at the employee’s discretion. Under the seniority article, a cat with three years’ experience may claim the seat of any tractor whose engine has recently been turned off.
Keller proposed linking pay to performance. A mouse wheeled off a kernel during the meeting. The cats’ lawyer explained that the committee was in closed session and could follow up with the rodent in five to seven working naps.
When the grain bins were ready, Keller discovered gaps around a feed-room opening and an empty bag with a gnawed corner. Rodent control begins with access and shelter. Clean up grain spills, keep feed in suitable closed containers and look for entrances around doors or utility penetrations. A cat can be part of the barn routine while the person responsible for the building does the unglamorous work. Penn State Extension’s guidance on protecting farm cats also explains a real hazard for cats that spend their time outdoors.
The ratification vote takes another nap
Keller offered to repair the opening and clear the feed room. His daughter, who does the farm’s books, offered a line item for routine care and asked him to check with their veterinarian about a farm cat’s basic needs. A neighboring farmer suggested hiring a dog to break the deadlock. Keller said he had just finished bargaining with something that didn’t work for him and had no appetite for hiring something that believed it did.
The agreement was finally ratified after Socket slept on the signature page for fifty-three minutes. Its only measurable productivity gain occurred that afternoon, when Keller got behind the feed shelf and sealed the hole. The cats listed the repair in their year-end report. The mouse was unavailable for an exit interview. A second mouse applied for a management position after observing that everyone in management had access to the grain room.
Disclaimer: The negotiations and all union remarks are Farm.FM satire. Farm cat care is real. Nobody audited Socket’s nap log.