Nebraska Farmers Ask Who Collected the Prizes
KEARNEY, Nebraska — After years of being told they would grow tired of winning, America’s farmers have announced that they are willing to try something completely different. Breaking even.
The development has stunned Republican campaign strategists who assumed that farmers would continue accepting political victories as compensation for agricultural losses.
A Nebraska corn grower explained that he had spent the past decade winning so enthusiastically that he could no longer afford to repair his combine.
“Every election, they tell me I’ve won,” he said. “Every harvest, the bank tells me I’ve lost. I’m beginning to suspect we’re playing two different sports.”
Republican officials immediately rejected the suggestion that rural economic conditions were disappointing.
They pointed to record political enthusiasm, enormous rally attendance and millions of campaign hats sold nationwide.
The farmer asked whether any of those accomplishments would improve his basis price. The officials promised to investigate what a basis price was.
Historic Prosperity, Limited to People Who Have It
Agricultural economists acknowledge that farm profitability depends on several variables, including commodity prices, input expenses, debt service, weather and international demand. Political economists have developed a simpler system.
They determine prosperity by counting how many times the president uses the word “tremendous.”
One Republican campaign adviser claimed that American agriculture was experiencing the greatest economic revival in recorded history. A farmer requested evidence. The adviser produced a photograph of Trump standing beside a tractor.
“That’s a beautiful machine,” the farmer agreed. “I own one almost like it. Mine’s paid off, except for the part that isn’t.”
A local dairy producer joined the discussion.
She explained that while politicians were busy celebrating economic victories, she was negotiating feed bills, veterinary expenses and milk prices.
“Apparently, the winning gets delivered to Washington,” she said. “The invoices come here.”
The Democrats responded by promising to redefine winning through government programs.
One progressive candidate suggested that farmers measure success through social equity, environmental stewardship and community resilience.
A cattle rancher explained that he already practiced environmental stewardship by keeping his cattle alive. He practiced community resilience by borrowing tools from neighbors. And he practiced social equity by being equally unable to afford anything. The candidate thanked him for his commitment.
Meanwhile, Republican consultants proposed a victory celebration at a county fairground.
The event featured balloons, patriotic music and a commemorative cake shaped like the American economy. Unfortunately, the cake cost $600. The organizing committee asked three farmers to sponsor it. All three declined.
One farmer suggested that true victory might involve a year in which crops grew, equipment worked and the bank manager stopped calling during supper. Political professionals found this definition hopelessly unambitious.
They preferred historic achievements, generational transformations and sweeping national movements. The farmer preferred getting the combine repaired before Thursday.
Rural Approval Is Not the Same as Rural Turnout
Republicans have found some comfort in the polls. An Echelon Insights survey put Trump’s approval among rural likely voters at 50%, one point above water, after a steep decline the month before. But the same reporting notes that Republicans still need warm feelings toward the president to turn into actual votes for his party’s candidates, and that voters can approve of the president without supporting the local nominee. In Buffalo County, one precinct worker said the difference between approval and turnout is “about eleven miles of gravel and a bad mood.”
By the Numbers
A volunteer who counted yard signs along one stretch of county road reported 212 in total. Sixty-one were standing upright, ninety-four were leaning, and fifty-seven were missing. When asked about the missing signs, a farmer who lives on the road said they were “borrowed for a project.” He declined to say what the project was, though a new chicken coop had gone up.
The Receipt
A receipt from a Kearney bakery for the county fairgrounds celebration reads: sheet cake, patriotic, “VICTORY” in red icing, $600. Delivery, $40. Tip line: blank. A handwritten note at the bottom, apparently from the baker, reads: “Paid in full. Thank you for your service.”
An Eyewitness at the Fairgrounds
“They cut it at four,” said a woman who sold raffle tickets at the event. “By five it was still mostly cake. People kept looking at the price on the box.” She said the only item that sold out was the coffee, and that she had been told not to read anything into that.
As evening approached, he carefully folded his campaign hat, placed it on the kitchen shelf and returned to reviewing his expenses. He had not abandoned patriotism. He had simply developed a dangerous new political expectation. He wanted to win something he could actually keep.
Five Humorous Observations About Winning
- They told us we’d get tired of winning. I’m tired. I’d like to try breaking even. I hear it’s lovely this time of year.
- A six-hundred-dollar cake shaped like the economy. The economy is not cake. And if it were, somebody ate mine.
- Basis price. Nobody in Washington knows what that is. I’m not saying they’re dumb. I’m saying they’ve never had to explain it to a banker.
- The winning goes to Washington and the invoices come to my house. That’s not a victory lap, that’s a mail route.
- Half my neighbors have a victory hat and no hay. Who’s winning, the hat?