GREEN BAY, WISCONSIN — America’s latest health craze has turned cottage cheese from a suspicious refrigerator resident into a social-media celebrity. The same nation that once covered the stuff with pineapple now blends it into desserts and congratulates itself for discovering protein, a substance dairy farmers had been producing before most influencers were born.

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Cottage cheese dollar sales climbed around 18% to roughly $2.3 billion over the recent year, according to Dairy Foods’ review of Circana data. Meanwhile, cream cheese has lost ground as consumers chase higher-protein options. Food companies now face the task of explaining why something that was already dairy needs to be introduced as if discovered on Mars.

“We used to sell milk, then cheese, and now somebody on the internet has convinced people to eat it with a spoon and call themselves athletes,” said fictional Wisconsin farmer Glenn Brody. “I’ve been eating cottage cheese in the tractor for forty years. Nobody offered me a sponsorship, although the cab smells like I’ve earned one.”

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At a Farm.FM mock product launch, Brody presented a dairy cow dressed in a sweatband beside a ring light. The cow stared thoughtfully at the camera, chewed seventeen times, and produced content so authentic that viewers mistook it for a mindfulness course.

Brody’s wife, Elise, proposed marketing the farmer himself as a source of protein. “His exhaustion is organic. He rises at four, carries fifty-pound bags, fixes fences, and hasn’t relaxed since our wedding,” she explained. “If Americans paid for that level of effort, we could finally afford an actual holiday.”

A visiting brand consultant suggested selling the family’s fatigue in recyclable tubs. The proposal collapsed when he learned that fourteen hours of physical work cannot be shipped overnight without the farmer attached.

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Farm.FM asked nine dairy workers whether cottage cheese should be considered a new wellness breakthrough. Eight replied that milk already contains protein. The ninth demanded to know why our survey team was blocking the alley to the milking parlor.

There is genuine nutrition behind the trend: many cottage-cheese products offer substantial protein, and consumer preferences can create new markets for dairy. But demand for a particular product doesn’t guarantee a matching rise in the farm-gate milk check. The milk still has to be hauled, processed and marketed.

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“I’m proud when people choose dairy,” Brody said. “I just wish the marketing department would explain that protein didn’t come from a motivational quote printed on the lid.”

The cow ended her livestream when the feed wagon arrived, proving she understands the difference between posting content and actually earning her lunch.

Satire note: All interviews, the cow’s influencer career and the survey are invented; the dairy sales trend is real. This story is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer.