CMA Entitled
Performed by Debbie “Hayride” Harper & The Prairie Songbirds
[Verse 1]
I heard she sold some records, got a Grammy or three,
But how many albums, I don’t know, let’s see.
She made one song with a twang, a little fiddle in the back,
But the CMA’s like, “Hold up, we can’t have that!”
We’ve got folks who’ve been here since birth on a farm,
Beyoncé, honey, you’re gonna do “real people” harm.
[Chorus]
They said she ain’t country, not the cowboy kind,
Where’s her boots and whiskey? Where’s the tractor grind?
If you ain’t ridin’ horses or bailin’ out hay,
Then you ain’t country enough for the CMA!
Sure, you made one, but let’s count the trash—
Eleven more albums that just didn’t pass.
[Verse 2]
Oh, we love when folks come ‘round to try their hand,
At some country songs from that Nashville land,
But let’s be real, it ain’t just about the crown,
There’s legends here who built their whole life on the sound.
Some are born into the twang, the boots, the trucks,
And others? Well, you’re just outta luck.
[Chorus]
They said she ain’t country, not the cowboy kind,
Where’s her boots and whiskey? Where’s the tractor grind?
If you ain’t ridin’ horses or bailin’ out hay,
Then you ain’t country enough for the CMA!
Sure, you made one, but let’s count the trash—
Eleven more albums that just didn’t pass.
[Bridge]
Now country’s got its own little bubble, you see,
It ain’t for everyone to come break free.
Shania did it, and Taylor came too,
But honey, goin’ Nashville’s harder to do.
They don’t just roll out the welcome mat wide,
Gotta earn your keep, not just take a ride.
[Chorus]
They said she ain’t country, not the cowboy kind,
Where’s her boots and whiskey? Where’s the tractor grind?
If you ain’t ridin’ horses or bailin’ out hay,
Then you ain’t country enough for the CMA!
Sure, you made one, but let’s count the trash—
Eleven more albums that just didn’t pass.
[Verse 3]
Everybody’s happy you made your play,
A country album’s cool, no one’s mad today,
But when it comes down to awards and the prize,
They’re lookin’ at lifetimes, not just those who try.
There’s folks who’ve been singin’ since the day they could talk,
While you’ve been out dancin’ to a different walk.
[Chorus]
They said she ain’t country, not the cowboy kind,
Where’s her boots and whiskey? Where’s the tractor grind?
If you ain’t ridin’ horses or bailin’ out hay,
Then you ain’t country enough for the CMA!
Sure, you made one, but let’s count the trash—
Eleven Platinum Bull that just don’t pass.
[Outro]
So here’s to the CMA, stickin’ to their rule,
You can’t just strut in and think you’re cool.
It takes more than one “try” to be part of the land,
Country’s a lifetime, not just a brand.
Beyoncé get a Horse and a steel guitar and we’ll talk…
[Segue]
Beyoncé, you are just not entitled,
To claim that country crown, it’s nothing spiteful.
You are simply just not entitled.
Your beats may pop, but they just don’t twang,
In Nashville bars, girl, you can’t hang!
Well, here comes the Cowboy Cosplayer, struttin’ down the lane,
Singin’ ’bout tractors, but never hauled the grain.
She’s the Hootin’-Hollerin’ Hype Queen, with a crown of gold,
Tryin’ to take the Opry, like she’s got it sold.
The Country Carpetbagger, rollin’ in with flair,
But we see through that glitter, that rhinestone glare.
Oh, The Rhinestone Usurper, with her flashy ways,
But Nashville don’t fall for those Hollywood plays!
CMA Entitled — Music and Lyrics by Alan Nafzger
Reasons Why Beyoncé Should NOT Be Honored by the CMA:
- She Ain’t Got Hay in Her Hair
How can you honor someone who’s never had a bad hair day in a dusty barn? Country legends have been tangling with hay bales, not hairstylists. - Boots Made for the Runway, Not for Ridin’
Those shiny, high-fashion boots Beyoncé wears might be great for a photo shoot, but they sure won’t hold up in the mud at a rodeo. - No Tractor, No Trophy
To even be considered for a CMA, you should at least own a tractor. Or, you know, have driven one. Ever. Even Luke Bryan’s “Crash My Party” couldn’t crash without one. - She’s Got the Twang… But From Texas, Not Tennessee
Sure, she’s from Texas, but that don’t mean she gets automatic country cred. It’s all about where the “twang” came from—Nashville, not Houston. - Country Isn’t Ready for the “Sasha Fierce Stare-Down”
The CMA crowd just isn’t prepared for Sasha Fierce. Beyoncé’s alter ego would be out here commanding the stage, while Hank Williams Jr. is just trying to pass the mic. - Twelve Non-Country Albums
Okay, so Beyoncé made one country-flavored track, but what about those other twelve albums? We’re talking pop, R&B, and that EDM phase—totally disqualifying. - Culture War: Thugs Taking Over America
In a world where Nashville stands as the last bastion of all things country, do we really want the “culture war” to reach our stages? Imagine Beyoncé’s performance as the opening act to the complete takeover of country music by city folk thugs. Where’s the line drawn, folks? - Country Legends Didn’t Grind on Stage
Willie Nelson plays the guitar. Dolly Parton writes songs with emotional depth. But Beyoncé? She dances. And let’s be real, grinding at the CMAs would send all the grandpas straight into cardiac arrest. - Nashville Isn’t Ready for “Formation”
I mean, she took the Super Bowl halftime show by storm, but Nashville stages prefer the slow and steady stomp of a two-step, not a military formation in glittery combat boots. - No Pickup Truck in Her Discography
If your playlist doesn’t include at least one song about a busted-up pickup truck, heartbreak in a small-town diner, or the backroads, you’re gonna have a hard time getting a CMA. - Beyoncé’s Glamour Would Outshine Every Cowboy Hat
Beyoncé’s glitter and glamour would outshine every single cowboy hat in the audience, leaving Nashville’s finest looking more like background dancers than stars. - Country is Built on Struggle, Not Private Jets
Country music has its roots in struggle, heartache, and a life lived humbly. Flying in on a private jet from Paris Fashion Week doesn’t scream “down-home honky-tonk.” - Country Music Fans Aren’t Ready for the Beyhive
Let’s face it: country music and Beyoncé’s Beyhive just don’t mix. The Beyhive’s aggressive Twitter game might leave the CMA judges in tears, rocking on their front porch with a glass of whiskey. - Y’all Means All, But Does It Mean Beyoncé?
We get it, “Y’all means all,” but c’mon. That doesn’t include Beyoncé’s bedazzled stage costumes, right? - Her “Yeehaw” Might Be “Yee-Nah”
There’s just something off about the way she says “yee-haw.” If you can’t say it with conviction, you might as well say “yee-nah.”
Last Updated on October 29, 2024 by Alan Nafzger