Agricultural Giants Praise Self-Reliance, Then Request a Prepaid Envelope
DES MOINES, Iowa (Farm.FM) — The nation’s largest agricultural interests have clarified their position on economic freedom: prices should be set by the market, profits should belong to shareholders, and losses should be forwarded to Washington in a prepaid envelope.
At the annual convention of the American Association of Self-Reliant Subsidy Recipients, delegates unveiled the industry’s new motto: “Get government off our backs and into our checking accounts.”
The gathering opened with a lecture on personal responsibility.
It ended when someone announced that federal reimbursement forms were available near the coffee urn.
A corporate strategist told the room that unrestricted markets are the foundation of Western civilization, right up until soybeans lose 20 cents a bushel. At that point, he said, free-market ideology goes into climate-controlled storage, next to the combine nobody can afford to fuel.
Free Enterprise Now Comes With Government Financing
The strategist outlined three pillars of modern agricultural capitalism: competition for customers, cooperation with regulators and immediate taxpayer intervention whenever the first two become inconvenient.
Asked whether that was contradictory, he said, “Only if you insist on using the same definition of capitalism twice.”
Consider livestock. A Government Accountability Office review found that the 10,000 livestock feeding operations receiving the most federal financial assistance collected $12.1 billion from 2018 through 2023, about $1.2 million apiece. The top 20 received $219.3 million, an average of $11 million per operation. Those are the agency’s figures, not numbers scribbled on the back of a steakhouse menu.
That doesn’t mean every large producer is swimming in profit. Cattle are expensive, feed prices swing and disease doesn’t consult quarterly guidance. But it does mean the assistance system can move sums large enough to make a ranch accountant faint directly onto his spreadsheet.
GAO Report: Seven Percent of Producers Collected 63 Percent of the Money
A second GAO analysis, GAO-25-107174, looked at all USDA assistance to agricultural producers from fiscal 2019 through 2023. It found that roughly 74,655 producers, about 7 percent of the total, received an average of $20.3 billion a year, which was 63 percent of the money. The other 968,778 producers, 93 percent of the total, shared $11.9 billion.
Convention organizers were shown the figures during the Friday session and were asked for comment. A spokesman for the association said the numbers reflected “the natural result of ambition,” and asked that the 63 percent be described as “a leadership position.”
Meanwhile, the ordinary farmer follows a slightly different business model.
His fertilizer bill rises. His diesel bill rises. His insurance rises. The price offered for his grain behaves like a basement elevator.
He calls his lender.
The lender asks for collateral.
He offers a sincere belief in America’s future.
The lender asks whether that belief has a serial number.
Competition Is Wonderful When Nobody Competes With You
At the convention, executives proposed a solution to excessive competition: everybody should enjoy the benefits of a competitive market except competitors.
A regional processor suggested limiting new entrants, securing guaranteed supply arrangements and convincing Congress that any dip in his margins would threaten national food security.
His proposal drew applause from people who normally describe government regulation as a communist plot.
One delegate asked whether consumers might benefit from more rival buyers bidding for farmers’ crops and livestock.
Security escorted the question out of the ballroom.
Convention Receipts Show Resolution Printed on Federal Dime
By evening, delegates approved a resolution urging Americans to work harder, spend less and never expect Washington to rescue them from poor choices.
The printing receipt, filed with the convention’s expense report, lists 600 copies on cream stock at $1,140. The line labeled “funding source” reads “USDA Industry Promotion Grant, Cooperative Agreement 4417.” Under “purpose,” a clerk had typed “self-reliance outreach.”
The convention adjourned after someone reported an unexpected drop in dessert sales.
A request for emergency cake relief was submitted before midnight.
Five Humorous Observations
- The motto is “Get government off our backs and into our checking accounts.” That’s not a philosophy. That’s a guy asking you to stop touching him and also hold his wallet.
- Seven percent of the people got 63 percent of the money. I’ve been to potlucks like that. One guy brings a Costco tray and takes home the leftovers like he’s the host.
- “Do you have collateral?” “I have faith in America.” “Does it have a serial number?” You know what, that’s the most honest conversation anyone’s had with a bank since 1987.
- They escorted a guy out of the ballroom for asking about competition. At a free-market convention. That’s a vegan getting thrown out of a steakhouse for reading the menu out loud.
- They printed “never expect Washington to rescue you” on paper Washington paid for. That’s a guy telling you to stop mooching while he’s wearing your jacket.